Koalas eat eucalyptus leaves from the branch but won’t eat the very same leaf if you present it to them from your hand. The leaves have little nutritional value and are poisonous, but yet koalas still only eat these leaves. And instead of sheltering from rain like all other mammals, when the thunderstorms roll in, they sit still wondering why they are getting wet. Koalas are that dumb they make Love Island contestants look like Mensa members.

The great resignation. 2021 and the first half of 2022 saw a huge volume of talent movement. Attrition levels in many businesses rocketed as post-pandemic talent demand soared. Media jumped on the phenomenon.

“The Great Resignation! It’s real people! Learn everything you need to know here, from us. What it is, why it’s happening, how to avoid it.

Kombucha. Apparently, millions of people were leaving jobs around the globe because of a lack of kombucha. I don’t even know what Kombucha is. But there it was. In black and white. People are leaving your organisation because you don’t treat them well enough. And the answer is free kombucha. If you buy shit loads of kombucha and pile it high in your offices, your staff will love you because it’ll clearly show how much you love them. And they’ll definitely stay.

Ok. I guess it could be that. But bear with me whilst I go all crazy and out there – I have an alternative theory. I’ll put myself at risk being called a maverick, a fringe thinker with nuts ideas only the ex-members of cults would prescribe to. I’ll illustrate my lunatic counter-theory by recounting a conversation with one of my own employees in 2022. Let’s call her “Dave”….

Dave: “Mark, I’ve been offered another job that’s paying me 50% more to do a less complex job than I do for Rethink. I know I’m not worth the money they’re offering me, and I know that if the market turns I’ll be first one out the door, but it’s too much money for me to ignore. I have to go.”

Mark: “Dave, if I offered you some Kombucha would you consider staying?”

Dave: “Jesus! This is a pickle of a choice!! That money will enable me and my family to live a better quality of life, give me more financial freedom and allow me to save some cash for a rainy day – but shit man! Free Kombucha??!!”

Mark: “Dave, let me save you the agony of this choice. You’re awesome but we both know you’re not worth a 50% increase and I’m not nuts enough to give it to you in a counter-offer. So go make your extra cash and if I’ve got any left, I’ll send you some free Kombucha to thank you for everything you’ve done here over the years.”

As God is my witness, that was pretty much verbatim the conversation. And true story, Dave is now unemployed.

Quiet quitting. It’s apparently defined as “doing the minimum without getting fired”. Hmmm, let’s think that through. If a job description describes what is required in a job, and if you don’t meet the criteria set in the job description you may be fired, is quiet quitting you doing what is detailed in your job description? And correct me if I’m wrong here, all that Kombucha has gone to my head, but if you’re doing what’s described in your job description, isn’t that doing your job? And therefore, it sounds a lot as though quiet quitting is in fact doing the job you get paid to do??

As I write this, sitting in the rain sipping on my eucalyptus tea, I can’t help but wonder whether everyone else is mad or it’s me? Demand massively outstripped supply in many talent markets for 18 months. Wages were stupidly inflated. People moved to cash in. Dave was never going to not leave because of the kombucha. He was always going to go because of the cashola.

Being from Liverpool is something I treasure. For many reasons but often because we have some colourful phraseology that probably doesn’t belong in professional circles but are very apt for this situation. When I think of the great resignation and quiet quitting, I think of koalas and the following Scouse gem:

“If it smells like shit, and it looks like shit, it’s probably shit.”

Somewhat ironically, the presence of sulphur in Kombucha does lead some to comment on how it smells like…..well, you get the point…